When starting a dialogue, it helps to think of the discussion as a negotiation where the prize is figuring out what everyone wants.

– Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

The other day, I was baited into a heated debate online with a stranger. I’m not going to delve into the details of the debate, but I said something I ought not to have, and my opponent did the same, and I ended up blacklisting him (or her).

In retrospect, this debate was doomed to fail because both of us were striving our utmost to convince the other to abandon their strongly held opinion, which was obviously not going to happen with a few clicks on our phones. We began off on the wrong footing because we both asserted authority on the subject and declined to consider the opponent’s point of view.

During the debate, I showed no interest in understanding where he was coming from, and in return, he didn’t trouble himself/herself to consider that my opinion might possess some merit. By refusing to connect with the other side, what we were actually saying was: “You are not worthy.”

A debate shouldn’t be adversarial in the first place. It should be a conversation. The ultimate goal of a conversation shouldn’t be to pursuade the other to accept your words as the ultimate truth; rather, it is an opportunity to establish a connection with others, to adopt a different perspective, and perhaps even gain a better understanding of the subject at hand.

Once you step into an adversarial mindset, you transform into the role of a soldier, fiercely defending your own territory and treating any action from the other side as an act of violating your homeland.

This wasn’t a discussion right from the very beginning; rather, it was a declaration of war. No wonder it led nowhere.

A better approach to manage this kind of situation is to initially recognize that you have some common ground with the other side, , and then endeavor to assist them in seeing from your standpoint. Maybe both parties can learn something new; if not, at least it mitigates the friction and hostility when both are exasperated by the other’s stubbornness.